Time for You

Have you ever wondered why you have to actively "carve" time out of the day for yourself but the rest of your family does whatever they want whenever they want?

That was a loaded question.

I was switching the laundry when I heard my son thump up the stairs and start talking to my husband. I immediately thought, "Oh good! If he is going to be distracted by his daddy for a little, I can finally sit down and make my first blog post!" I immediately started going over opening lines in my head and planing how I could race this post into existence. I got super excited and cracked my knee on the dryer, but who cares! First blog post!

I think we need to unpack that. My son will be 4 in June. He is very smart, well spoken, and generally well mannered. If I said to him, I need 30 minutes to write, he would give it to me. Not only that, but my husband owns and operates a lawn care company. In south western Pennsylvania. It's February. He is home ALL THE TIME in the winter. Yet, here I am, still feeling that the only time I can have to myself is when they choose to do something else. Heck, I felt that I needed to write half of this post in my head before I could justify sitting down to type it up.

Want to know whose fault that is? It's mine,

It's my fault and I know it. I give and give and give and when I don't have any more give to give, I feel guilty. Then I snap. I quietly seethe and sometimes I slam pots and pans around because, dang it, they all need to eat and someone has to make dinner. For real? Yes, for real. I am angry that I am tired and that I have nothing to give so I use that frustrated energy to DO MORE THINGS FOR THEM! This is what I mean. It's my fault. I am choosing to spend my energy, both mental and physical, on the people that I love the most. To be honest, that's completely ok!

What's not ok, is not allowing them to care for me. Is this you too?

Do you ever repack the dishwasher or feel bad when someone else washes the dishes?

Have you ever been annoyed when the towels were folded the wrong way?

What about when the toys weren't put away in the right place?

When you think to yourself - I just want to read one chapter/paint my nails/call a friend/sit alone in my room/listen to adult music/eat a cookie without sharing/take a shower by myself but you never say anything?

When they ask if you're ok, do you snap back with an, "I'm fine" ?

Stop.

I know that is easier said than done, so here is your reminder. They are not doing those things to make you feel guilty, and they are not mind readers. They aren't mixing the blocks in with the magnatiles to make you angry, and if you don't say what you want or what you need, you are doing everyone a disservice. We put so much pressure on ourselves to live up to some imaginary diabolical standard that we climb that tower of expectation until we crash and burn. We pour out everything we have so quickly and forcefully that we don't slow down and give someone else an opportunity to give some back.

Do you want your children to see you like that? I don't! I want to teach my child that being open about our needs and desires as human beings creates community and gives each of us a chance to be a part of what lifts someone else up. I do not want to teach him that you have to take what you want. I want him to see that giving is more than just birthdays and christmas and stuff. I want him to learn that giving of yourself is glorious and that allowing others to give back is just as fulfilling. More than anything, I want him to learn that by watching me live it.

I just typed myself out of being annoyed.

I am going to make myself a mug of tea, pop a gummy, and go argue with my boys about which animated movie I don't want to watch for the 26448th time. Then I am going to sit there and soak in some delicious snuggles.

xo

Megan